Its about that time again. You know, that time when I decide to get all mean and rant about shit that I have no control over. I, of course, have to post it on the internet for the amusement of others because its just WHAT I DO. This rant is pretty easy to follow. Its simply going to be about being pregnant. See? Told ya I was dumbing it down for ya.
But as I was standing naked in front of the bathroom mirror after a gloriously shower, thinking to myself "WTF HAPPENED TO MY BELLY BUTTON", it occurred to me that there are many things that hardly get discussed about pregnancy and I hope and wish that I can get many men to read this as well. Considering that you men will never have a vagina and have no idea what labor feels like (something kinda like when the fire department uses the jaws of life to tear open a very small car), I think this may suffice.
So im just gonna lay out my problems right here.
1. Stop hitting on me. Yeah, you, in the grocery store. I obviously dont want anything to do with you or your penis since it was one of those that made me all fat and pissed off. But thanks? I guess?
2. Don't tell me how pretty I look. Because, NO I dont. I kinda looked like an enraged walrus with really bad hair.
3. When I come into your place of business to inquire about employment, please do not look at me as if I have leprosy. Im not gonna give birth on the fucking sales floor. Just hire me. Ill probably work ten times harder than that teeny-bopping bitch behind the counter ever has.
4. ANYONE, male or female, that tells me "its not so bad" will immedietly get punched in the fucking mouth hole repeatedly. Just because your pregnancy/wife's pregnancy was all peaches, puppies and fucking rainbows does not mean that you know how I feel.
5. If I go out and buy a 4 quart jar of dill pickles and a fruit pie....you should just smile and pay no attention. I can eat whatever the fuck I want. AND, if I eat the whole jar....its me agenda. Fuck off.
6. Yes, I need another bra already. No, I am not trying to steal these watermelons thank you.
7. If it is 5 o'clock in the morning and you wake me up for sex...I will seriously end you where you are laying. I dont want sex at 5 am! You are crazy. Move before I pee on you.
8. I can name my baby whatever I want. If it is coming out of my vagina, I can call the damn thing Lollipop Mcgee HooterBucket if I fucking want to.
9. Yes I can totally sleep for 12 hours a day and not feel guilty. My body has been hit by a truck carrying 27 tons of cement. Ill do as I damn well please.
10. And i HAVE to say this....TO ALL YOU MEN THAT THINK THE BABY WEIGHT IS "cute" or "easy to carry"....do me a favor.
Go tie 3 cinderblocks to your chest, belly, and groin.
After they are secure....go do laundry.
That is all.
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